"Long Live the King"

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Sometimes, I wish I could cry. This is one of those times. I pride myself on not being one of those people that get teary eyed of every little thing, but the fact that I hardly cry can be a problem. I cry at the most unnecessary and useless times- when I’m watching or reading something sad, or when I’m mad and guilty with my parents. During those times, I’m not even actually sad, or I’m sad over fictional ideas.

But I can’t cry when it counts. I can sit here, and on the inside, feel like I’m going through a breakdown and imagine myself doing exactly what someone having a mental breakdown would- hysterical crying, hyperventilating, rolling up in a ball in pain, throwing and punching things, hurting myself. But on the outside, you wouldn’t know at all. I’m having a breakdown on the inside, but on the outside, I’m sitting here, looking tired, bored, and calm. Why? It makes everything so much worse, because I just can’t express the way I feel inside outwardly. No matter what. But I wonder- is it because I’m not feeling terrible enough inside to have it be seen outwardly yet, or because I have a lot better control over it then I think? If that’s the case, then let me have more pain, let it consume me, so I can finally let it all out.